Wonderland.

I am a fat bitch.

That is all.

Cobalt Blue.

Hi.

Today was fucked up, again. (What's new?)

By Saturday, my blog title should/must/will read "Fuck yeah, I did it!". If it doesn't, will somebody please just fucking throw me into a pool of lava. My stomach fucking hurts from all the binging. Please don't let this be some gastric rapture. I don't want to die yet. Anyway, I think 40kg by December's reasonable.

P.S. Eating has become so crass and such a tear-jerker. I don't even want to elaborate.

Fuckeroo.

Today was and will continue to be a fail day.

Maybe I should learn to shut the fuck up and actually do things, lest I keep embarrassing myself like that. Everytime I try to convince myself that I don't care anymore about the way I eat or how much I weigh and all these other "superficial" things, my inner self rears its head and snarls at me for being this stupid little girl who has zero will power and why can't I just try fucking harder!?

Harharhar. So much for my stupid game plan. Fuck this.

Reason Enough.

You know you're in big trouble when your "fat" clothes get tight and red, horrible marks wrap themselves around your waist, inner thighs, butt and midriff.

You know you're in big trouble when you can't will yourself do anymore inclined pull ups, sprints or sit ups without your entire mind, body and soul screaming in protest.

You know you're in big trouble when your stomach starts hurting after a week of binging but you still can't stop stuffing your face.

You know you're in big trouble when people around you start looking smaller, thinner and lovelier while you feel bigger, pudgier and uglier.

You know you're in big trouble when you can't sleep at night because all you can ever think about is food, weight, fat, clothes, failure and tears.

You know this is it, do or die.

Hello Again, Fear.

I can't concentrate, this is all I ever think about.

I want to have everything and nothing at all.

I am afraid I will never be.

I just want to be left alone, angry and sad.

I have to learn to stop screaming.

I want to run away.

Game plan: 120-hr, 5-day fast

START: 7pm, Saturday 13/3

END: 7pm, Thursday 18/3